Although related, my two jobs--School Counselor at a large school with a low income, multi-ethnic population and Small Business Owner of Creative Crossings rarely mix. When I go to work for my 2 1/2 days, I am unable to talk or think about Creative Crossings. The minute-to-minute demands are so high-paced. Also, I've found myself mostly wrapped up in working with boys in need. Finally, I don't like to promote my business at work. In fact, most of my colleagues probably have no idea that I have this "other career!"
However, each job informs each other and it would be impossible to keep the two truly separate. Working at a school and seeing relational aggression up close and personal, has made me a better business owner. The stories I take with me are real. The girls are girls I know and like and care about. Likewise, my business ventures help me understand what girls can reach for, the many resources available for girls, and the extent of the problems that girls face in our society today.
It was therefore exciting when we learned that our school qualified for an after school program which would include time for homework, snack and activities. As it turned out, our reading coach, Anne and myself, both were interested in leading a group for girls. We decided to merge together and created the Girls Leadership Academy.
Anne and I are about as different as can be and that was one factor that made our group so wonderfully powerful! Anne is tall and elegant, even the way she speaks is beautiful. She's the queen of affirmations and positive thinking. I am short, non-linear and bursting with creativity. Anne had the reading coach side to her--always trying to make sure our group participants understood and that our group was outcome-based. For example, instead of giving them a verbal journal prompt, we would write it on the board, check for understanding and other classroom-orientated methods that I would probably never have used (but that were helpful). I have the counseling bent. Anne had lots of stumbling blocks with family as she was growing up. I had lots of stumbling blocks with friendship. We made a wonderful team and grew to respect each others work immensely.
The biggest personal gift of facilitating this group is how dramatically it differed from the rest of my job. During the day, I am running around throwing band-aids on problems, never feeling like I get to know the hearts and minds of the students and never feeling like I get to really help them move forward in their lives. This group afforded me the time to get to know the sixteen students, to catch a little glimpse into their lives--their hopes, their dreams and their ambitions. It was delightful.
The group itself was a wonderful mix of ethnicities and circumstances. Some of the girls were strong leaders already and others were shy and quiet; some were born here, others recently immigrated. One girl spoke seven languages fluently!
I want to write about this group, so that others may be inspired to start a group of their own.
We used two books to guide our program: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey and the North Star Girls Group curriculum byHeidi Arizala Showman. Rather than focus on Relational Aggression, we focused on dreams and, what we called, Dream-stoppers.
The structure of the group was as follows:
A check-in question. Each girl got a colorful bead for checking in which they could attach to a string hanging from their journals.
An activity
A journal prompt. Anne and I would later read them and write the girls back.
A brief closing (we would gather together, throw our hands into the circle and quote Obama with a a big YES WE CAN!).
The first four sessions were very focused on the identification of dreams and what may stop you from getting there. Girls identified some of their dreams and goals. We had a Junior President of her class come in to talk to the girls about the things she had overcome in her Elementary years, decorated journals with dream images and affirmations, identified dream-stoppers and used an experiential blind-folded obstacle course to get a better physical understanding of how one may avoid the obstacles in our paths. The rest of the group focused on a variety of issues such as health, media images, asserting yourself etc.
I do so much work on helping open up dialog about relational aggression and decisions we make around friendships--all important stuff, but the bent of this group was on dreams and hopes. In that way, relational aggression was more of a peripheral issue, something that gets in the way of life ambitions. I found it refreshing to have this focus and I hope to move more towards this positve thinking direction in my own career and in my own personal life.
Both Anne and I hope we get the chance to expand the group, offering a sleepover and availability to more young woman.
Thanks Anne and girls for a wonderful group!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Top Ten Tips for Families Dealing with Relational Aggression
For an article in Seattle Womens' Magazine, the writer asked me for my top ten list for parents. Here it is!
PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.
1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse).
2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling, left-out, sad, rejected etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.
3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you
4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.
5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.
6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are”. Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.
7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.
8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and website that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com
9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.
10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.
PEGGY’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR FAMILIES DEALING WITH RELATIONAL AGGRESSION
Please keep in mind that these tips are for the majority of relational aggression incidents occurring at the elementary and middle levels, including shifting alliances, rumors, gossip, hurt feelings, being left out, someone telling your child who they can or can’t be friends with, etc. If the Relational Aggression is taken a step further and your daughter is the target of constant bullying and/or destructive acts of violence, contact the Police or the School Administrators.
1. Walk the fine line between listening, supporting, and giving your daughter ideas as to how to handle the situation, while at the same time let her own the problem. (In other words, don’t call the other family, don’t threaten the child, don’t let your own hurt feelings rule. Although this may be your natural response, it is usually not helpful and often makes the situation worse).
2. Although it may seem trivial to you, understand that for your daughter this situation probably feels huge and overwhelming. Try to guess how she may be feeling, left-out, sad, rejected etc. At the same time, respect the fact that your daughter may not want to talk about this with you. It’s also helpful to build up her support system, so there are several adult females in her life (Aunts, Grandparents, Friends etc.) that she can turn to in times of need.
3. Create a safe place at home—this may be your daughter’s sanctuary when the rest of her life isn’t feeling so great. This may include time spent alone with your daughter, NOT talking about friends (giving her a break), fun family time, and also watching out for your own use of Relational Aggression. Your daughter is listening to you
4. Likewise, be careful about media—text messages and social networking sites. Most experts recommend that computers be in public places in the house. If your daughter is being cyber-bullied, print it out and bring it to the School Counselor or School Administrators.
5. Encourage your daughter to have other friends or activities that do not include school friends. Jodee Blano, the author of Please, Stop Laughing at Us, uses the mantra—One Town Over.
6. Use the school as an ally. It isn’t okay for a school to say—“that’s just how girls are”. Relational Aggression is a form of bullying and schools have to address both bullying and harassment incidents. However, often it is difficult to figure out what is really going on with Relational Aggression because it is so covert. Don’t blame the school, but do get them on board. School Counselors can work wonders in helping to ease the tension.
7. Be open to the fact that your child may be less innocent than you think. Often the relational aggression is a little more two-sided than it initially appears. Remember, that all the girls are learning about relationships and there is a lot of pressure on girls to make hurtful choices. If your child makes a poor choice, use it as a learning tool.
8. Read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons (for adults) and My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (for girls ages 1st-6th grade). There are also many other books and website that address this issue, including my website/blog www.creative-crossings.com
9. Help your daughter find more positive empowering outlets—such as helping others, volunteering, or engaging in activities for girls such as Passages Northwest outdoor programs, Powerful Voices, Girls on the Run, Creative Crossings mother/daughter events. Or start a mom/daughter book club. There are a lot of programs out there that support girls in positive ways and many of them offer scholarships.
10. Don’t buy into the idea that this is just what girls do. Create some family rules early on about being nice to each other. For example, “In our family, we play with everyone.” If your child has a birthday party, be careful about how they hand out invitations.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Three Prong Approach
My friend Dalia lives in Israel. Her daughter Rivka is a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted girl. At school, this has caused problems because girls with stronger personalities have latched on to her and sometimes led her astray.
In the Israeli equivalent of 1st grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.
My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanagins.
She tried many strategies: calling the girls mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.
Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girls power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pulll her away and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.
On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind-of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.
I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing udates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.
Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.
The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.
The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!). Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that thisn is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.
The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad).
I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!
In the Israeli equivalent of 1st grade, a neighborhood girl latched onto Rivka. Dalia started to notice that her daughter wasn't making very good choices. For example, several times the girls didn't come in from recess and were wandering around unassisted by adults. Several times, Rivka was mean to her younger sister, something that had never happened before.
My friend was horrified as kindness and compassion towards others is something she believes in wholeheartedly. Indeed, she was the kid in my past who always stood up for others and never fed into any mean girl shenanagins.
She tried many strategies: calling the girls mother, forbidding her daughter from talking to the girl, doing role plays with her daughter, talking to the teacher and other professionals, and finally, in an act of desperation, getting very angry at her daughter. Nothing worked.
Her daughter seemed to have a mix of feelings. On the one hand, she wanted to pull away from this girl, in part because she knew she was disappointing her mother. But she didn't seem to know how to do it. She would take little steps to try to break free from the girls power over her, but the girl would always invite her to play, pulll her away and Rivka did not have the skills to say no.
On the other hand, the girl was compelling and fun to be around and held some kind-of allure to Rivka. So certainly that made it even harder to break free.
I had talked to Dalia several times throughout the first grade year, hearing udates on the Rivka situation, but hadn't heard any recent ones now that her daughter is older. I asked Dalia how it was going and she said the problem was resolved. Dalia said the girls were not close friends, but were friendly in class. The girl no longer over-powered Rivka.
Dalia told me that she had used what she termed the THREE PRONG APPROACH. I love this approach and I want to share it with you. I am certainly going to adopt it in my own practice.
The first prong: Keep the girls apart as much as possible Dalia did this by walking her child to school and taking a longer route that didn't include walking by the girl's dwelling. She made sure the teacher kept them seated far apart in class and that they wouldn't be partners for school projects. She didn't make a big deal about this or even tell her daughter, but just quietly helped this to happen.
The second prong: Reward system for playground choices. She helped and encouraged her daughter to plan out her recesses in advance and to invite other girls to play. She knew the reward had to be enticing, so they picked a reward that she knew Rivka would love. She could buy anything she wanted in her favorite store. (Thankfully, her final choice was only the equivalent of two dollars!). Although the reward system did work, it was difficult in that often the girl would join the one Rivka was playing with. Rivka did not have the heart to say NO to this girl. So then there would be three girls playing and eventually the powerful girl would say, "Rivka and I will play alone now." Luckily, Dalia realized that thisn is very challenging for a young girl to assert herself and adjusted the reward system accordingly so that Rivka could feel successful at the small gains she was making.
The third prong: Build up the relationships with other girls. Dalia went out of her way to do this, having girls over to her place every other day. Rivka also invited several other girls over for a doughnut decorating party. Dalia was careful not to promote the party as a way of leaving the other girl out, but as a way to invite in some healthy relationships. (My warning on this one is that the goal is not to have anyone feel left out, so be very careful and low-key about this third prong. Remember that despite the fact that the girl was controlling, she is just learning about friendship too. No one deserves to be left out or made to feel bad).
I have, of course, tried many of the things that Dalia used with the students I work with, but I like the idea of using them together as a three prong approach. Also, it is very evident that Dalia spent a lot of time and money to make this plan work. I think you could try a modified version or even a school only version of this. I'll report back on my findings, but in the meantime good luck making this work for you!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sonja and Rose
Sonja, my Virtual Assistant and old friend from High School, said she was exhausted. "Why," I asked. "My daughter, Rose, is having nightmares and we've had many sleepless nights," she replied. We talked for a while about it and I gave her my best School Counselor advice.
Later, upon checking in, Sonja told me that they had figured out that there was a problem at her school with some girls that were making Rose's life miserable. Rose had been experiencing problems with these girls since preschool. The teachers hadn't noticed anything, so Sonja was fairly certain that little power-plays were happening out on the playground, invisible to the rest of the world.
All of this was stressing out little Rose, leading to nightmares and sleepless nights. For the parents, how difficult it must be to watch your daughter experience pain that you may have thought is reserved for older girls.
It is true that Relational Aggression starts as young as preschoool. Some studies suggest that while there may be clear rules for physical aggression--We don't hit in our family. There are looser rules for Relational Aggression--find someone else to play with or just ignore them.
I wish I had more advice for Sonja. I know she is fighting agains culture and society. I wish all the mothers would look deeply into the way that their child may be mirroring what they see in the adult world. I wish the rules around this sort of behavior were clear and strict. I wish it wasn't so invisible, making it all the more difficult to figure out the truth of what's really going on.
The advice I gave Sonja is the same advice I'd have given for older girls. Teach your child assertiveness skills, role play situations with puppets or stuffed animals, expose your child to other avenues for frienship besides school, create safe and postive places and experiences at home, get the teacher and the recess teachers on board, create some family rules about being kind and friendly, and perhaps, if all else fails, a change in class, school, or some definitive parameters around the friendship are in order.
Later, upon checking in, Sonja told me that they had figured out that there was a problem at her school with some girls that were making Rose's life miserable. Rose had been experiencing problems with these girls since preschool. The teachers hadn't noticed anything, so Sonja was fairly certain that little power-plays were happening out on the playground, invisible to the rest of the world.
All of this was stressing out little Rose, leading to nightmares and sleepless nights. For the parents, how difficult it must be to watch your daughter experience pain that you may have thought is reserved for older girls.
It is true that Relational Aggression starts as young as preschoool. Some studies suggest that while there may be clear rules for physical aggression--We don't hit in our family. There are looser rules for Relational Aggression--find someone else to play with or just ignore them.
I wish I had more advice for Sonja. I know she is fighting agains culture and society. I wish all the mothers would look deeply into the way that their child may be mirroring what they see in the adult world. I wish the rules around this sort of behavior were clear and strict. I wish it wasn't so invisible, making it all the more difficult to figure out the truth of what's really going on.
The advice I gave Sonja is the same advice I'd have given for older girls. Teach your child assertiveness skills, role play situations with puppets or stuffed animals, expose your child to other avenues for frienship besides school, create safe and postive places and experiences at home, get the teacher and the recess teachers on board, create some family rules about being kind and friendly, and perhaps, if all else fails, a change in class, school, or some definitive parameters around the friendship are in order.
It's a GIRL!
I was convinced we were having a boy. This was confirmed when a colleague insisted we do the ring test, an old wives tale (but amazingly reliable according to my colleague). We attached my wedding ring to a piece of string, dunked it three times upon my sweaty palm, and let it swing. If it swings back and forth, it's a boy; in a circle, it's a girl. At first it did nothing and then started swinging with certainty back and forth, confiming my feeling that we were having a boy.
.
At our 16 week ultra-sound, we waited excitedly for the news--boy or girl. They didn't see a single bit of male-anatomy and told us it was almost surely a girl. This was later confirmed by our test results. A GIRL! I was wrong. The ring test was wrong. We were elated. As the news spread, my friends and family said, "that's so perfect for you." and "well, of course, you are having a girl."
Later that week, my mid-wife was having me fill out some forms. On one of them, it said, "name of mother." I thought to myself, "how strange that they should want to know the name of MY mother." I stared at the sheet in puzzlement until I realized that they meant ME. I was the mother. I have already embraced my role as step-mother, but MOTHER. Me?
Yes, I run groups and events for pre-teen girls. I know the hearts and minds of girls who wander into my counseling office in droves with problems big and small. I have facilitated countless number of mom/daughter pairs through a Creative Crossings experience--and bore witness to the powerful bond. I have always wished that I too could have this experience for myself. But now that it is upon me I wonder how I will navigate the fragile bond between mother and daughter.
I know that nothing can prepare me for the actuality of being a mother. How will I handle my daughter's pain if it should manifest? How will I walk that tricky boundary between encouraging my daughter's independence and giving her limits and guidelines. I don't think my work with girls guarantees that I will be a good parent myself.
I see parenting as always having to make decisions as you are faced with each new situation. I see it as a journey. I don't know how I will I do, but I am excited to give this little girl my all!
.
At our 16 week ultra-sound, we waited excitedly for the news--boy or girl. They didn't see a single bit of male-anatomy and told us it was almost surely a girl. This was later confirmed by our test results. A GIRL! I was wrong. The ring test was wrong. We were elated. As the news spread, my friends and family said, "that's so perfect for you." and "well, of course, you are having a girl."
Later that week, my mid-wife was having me fill out some forms. On one of them, it said, "name of mother." I thought to myself, "how strange that they should want to know the name of MY mother." I stared at the sheet in puzzlement until I realized that they meant ME. I was the mother. I have already embraced my role as step-mother, but MOTHER. Me?
Yes, I run groups and events for pre-teen girls. I know the hearts and minds of girls who wander into my counseling office in droves with problems big and small. I have facilitated countless number of mom/daughter pairs through a Creative Crossings experience--and bore witness to the powerful bond. I have always wished that I too could have this experience for myself. But now that it is upon me I wonder how I will navigate the fragile bond between mother and daughter.
I know that nothing can prepare me for the actuality of being a mother. How will I handle my daughter's pain if it should manifest? How will I walk that tricky boundary between encouraging my daughter's independence and giving her limits and guidelines. I don't think my work with girls guarantees that I will be a good parent myself.
I see parenting as always having to make decisions as you are faced with each new situation. I see it as a journey. I don't know how I will I do, but I am excited to give this little girl my all!
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Power of Word
I was taking a class as part of a larger conference.
Pre-class, I was stocking up on snacks and tea when I ran into an old colleague of mine. It was great to see her. We chit-chatted for a while, until I told her I had to run so I wouldn't be late for this class.
"What class?" she said.
I told her. Her and her friend both rolled their eyes in unison.
"What's wrong," I said, "is the teacher boring. I had been excited for the class, but now I was wondering if the teacher would have a monotone voice."
"Well, um, it's sort-of all about her. You'll see."
The other woman nodded her head vigorously in agreement.
I trudged to the class, feeling a little bit like--Oh great, now I have to listen to this egotistical teacher. Some of my initial excitement for the class had diminished.
The teacher was a dynamo--curly brown hair, a very un-monotone voice, and easy to follow. But she did start the session off with photos of her new baby. That's kind-0f egotistical, isn't it? (though I would probably do the same thing). She was very attractive, skinny, and seemed totally confident and knowledgeable about the topic. That could constitute egotism--no one around our age should know so much and act so professor-ish. And had she asked any of us about ourselves?
I stopped myself suddenly, realizing that I was searching for ways that this woman fit the critique of my peers. Had I not had the initial conversation, would I have been thinking my professor had a problem with ego? The answer, I am sure, is no way. I didn't really have nay personal experience with this teacher being an egoist. In fact, I liked her teaching style and found her to be engaging. Someday, as the class continues, I may see her shadow side and have my own experience with it. However, in this case, I had found myself taking my friend's critique as truth, or at least searching for proof of their comments.
This incident caused me to take a hard look at the ways this type of interaction plays out in my life. There's the "mean" neighbor, the "difficult" parent and a myriad of other ways I have taken opinions as facts. I'd like to think I rely only on my own opinions, but do I? How do other's critiques seep through, clouding my own perception.
I see this play out again and again with pre-teen girls. "WE FEEL that so and so is always saying annoying things and following us around." I force each girl to tell me how THEY Are feeling and take the "We" out of it. Usually, I find that it is only one girl that is having the actual experience and the others are piggy-backing on it. They start out, with my prompts, saying I feel this way, but then quickly slip back to we. As I remind them again and again to talk only about their own experience, they often give up and say that they themselves are not really mad or upset with the girl. Or they just mirror the complaint of the friend with the problem. "I feel angry and upset with the way that she treats Kaisha."
The use of words can be very tricky and slippery and it is difficult to not let the words of others influence our own experience. My class is continuing to meet via computer and I am still waiting for my professor to unleash a fountain of ego. It still hasn't happened.
Pre-class, I was stocking up on snacks and tea when I ran into an old colleague of mine. It was great to see her. We chit-chatted for a while, until I told her I had to run so I wouldn't be late for this class.
"What class?" she said.
I told her. Her and her friend both rolled their eyes in unison.
"What's wrong," I said, "is the teacher boring. I had been excited for the class, but now I was wondering if the teacher would have a monotone voice."
"Well, um, it's sort-of all about her. You'll see."
The other woman nodded her head vigorously in agreement.
I trudged to the class, feeling a little bit like--Oh great, now I have to listen to this egotistical teacher. Some of my initial excitement for the class had diminished.
The teacher was a dynamo--curly brown hair, a very un-monotone voice, and easy to follow. But she did start the session off with photos of her new baby. That's kind-0f egotistical, isn't it? (though I would probably do the same thing). She was very attractive, skinny, and seemed totally confident and knowledgeable about the topic. That could constitute egotism--no one around our age should know so much and act so professor-ish. And had she asked any of us about ourselves?
I stopped myself suddenly, realizing that I was searching for ways that this woman fit the critique of my peers. Had I not had the initial conversation, would I have been thinking my professor had a problem with ego? The answer, I am sure, is no way. I didn't really have nay personal experience with this teacher being an egoist. In fact, I liked her teaching style and found her to be engaging. Someday, as the class continues, I may see her shadow side and have my own experience with it. However, in this case, I had found myself taking my friend's critique as truth, or at least searching for proof of their comments.
This incident caused me to take a hard look at the ways this type of interaction plays out in my life. There's the "mean" neighbor, the "difficult" parent and a myriad of other ways I have taken opinions as facts. I'd like to think I rely only on my own opinions, but do I? How do other's critiques seep through, clouding my own perception.
I see this play out again and again with pre-teen girls. "WE FEEL that so and so is always saying annoying things and following us around." I force each girl to tell me how THEY Are feeling and take the "We" out of it. Usually, I find that it is only one girl that is having the actual experience and the others are piggy-backing on it. They start out, with my prompts, saying I feel this way, but then quickly slip back to we. As I remind them again and again to talk only about their own experience, they often give up and say that they themselves are not really mad or upset with the girl. Or they just mirror the complaint of the friend with the problem. "I feel angry and upset with the way that she treats Kaisha."
The use of words can be very tricky and slippery and it is difficult to not let the words of others influence our own experience. My class is continuing to meet via computer and I am still waiting for my professor to unleash a fountain of ego. It still hasn't happened.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Chicago Bat Mitvah Part Two: The Rabbis
Back at my sister's house, I picked up a magazine called Moment: Jewish Politics, Culture, Religion (January/February 2008) and started leafing through it.
I happened to open to an article entitled: What Does Judaism Say About Gossip?
When talking to girls about gossip, I often tell them that it is very much a part of the Jewish culture. I say that I had to teach myself to not gossip because, as a Jewish woman, talking and kevetching about others is commonplace, even making it into the lyrics of Fiddler on the Roof.
In this article, seven rabbis from seven different traditions, weigh in on gossip. My curiosity was very piqued. As may be expected, none of the rabbis condoned mean-hearted gossip. I learned that Lashon Hara (translated as evil tongue) is when your intention is to harm someone. Rabbi Manis Friedman goes on to say that Gossip shows that a person's pleasure comes from things that have no content, is an escape and an unwillingness to deal with real thing, and real communication. Rabbi Lauren Holtzblatt adds that we usually have a pretty good sense of when we have crossed the line into evil talk.
Rabbi Joshua Maroof says that even casual gossip, though hard to avoid as it is a very human characteristic, is harmful--not as much to others as to ourselves. "Every minute squandered on mulling over the tantalizing details of someone else's life is a minute that one's own life has not been improved or enriched. Every breath expended on a discussion of celebrity trivia (the auther is guilty of this one) is a breath that cannot be untilized to speak out against injustice or to encourage charity and compassion."
Rabbi Fred Scherlinder Dobb makes an interesting point. He says that the tradition of women talking at the well or in other public places was seen to be "silly gossip." He goes on to explain that it may have served a purpose, gossip, for example, could lead to discovering who may need help in the community. He says that venting can be "sacred and cathartic." He concludes by saying that it would be deemed acceptable to speak up about someone who is harming another such as someone who is blatently cheating others or lying (could be dangerous territory in the case of girls who are relationally aggressive, so I wonder how he would weigh in with that one. The girl could very well have lied or cheated and I personally think that because of their age, it wouldn't be appropriate to condone gossip even if they did something wrong. Pre-teen girls are exploring, learning, and making mistakes as opposed to someone older who has done something blatently wrong or harmful to another).
Rabbi Laura Duhan talks about the way that people use gossip for bonding, comparing workplace notes, figuring out who to trust and how to succeed. She feels that all of the above is necessary, but there are ways to do this without gossiping. She says it is important to have more of a spiritual friend, someone that you can express your doubts, concerns and vent your frustrations. This person would not take sides or deepen divisions. Rabbi Gershon Winkler agrees with this notion. He believes taht when you don't talk to someone, hatred will fester and the Torah says not to hate in our hearts. So, if the need arises, you should think very hard about who you should talk to about the situation and how you can convey both sides.
Rabbi Peter H.Schweitzer adds that we need to be courageous and take a stand when we hear someone gossiping.
I think the Rabbi's make some great points and I know, I for one, am going to take them for heart. At work, I do have two people that I talk to when things get rough. They are my confidantes and the line seems pretty clear to me. If I didn't have them, I may bundle up a lot of stress and discomfort. However, we don't gossip and we aren't mean-spirited.
Rabbi Gershon Winkler ends his commentary on gossip with this insightful comment on gossip: "while it is a favorite pastime and a strong human inclination, we need to substitute the urge with other indulgences such as slow-churned ice cream and a good movie.
I happened to open to an article entitled: What Does Judaism Say About Gossip?
When talking to girls about gossip, I often tell them that it is very much a part of the Jewish culture. I say that I had to teach myself to not gossip because, as a Jewish woman, talking and kevetching about others is commonplace, even making it into the lyrics of Fiddler on the Roof.
In this article, seven rabbis from seven different traditions, weigh in on gossip. My curiosity was very piqued. As may be expected, none of the rabbis condoned mean-hearted gossip. I learned that Lashon Hara (translated as evil tongue) is when your intention is to harm someone. Rabbi Manis Friedman goes on to say that Gossip shows that a person's pleasure comes from things that have no content, is an escape and an unwillingness to deal with real thing, and real communication. Rabbi Lauren Holtzblatt adds that we usually have a pretty good sense of when we have crossed the line into evil talk.
Rabbi Joshua Maroof says that even casual gossip, though hard to avoid as it is a very human characteristic, is harmful--not as much to others as to ourselves. "Every minute squandered on mulling over the tantalizing details of someone else's life is a minute that one's own life has not been improved or enriched. Every breath expended on a discussion of celebrity trivia (the auther is guilty of this one) is a breath that cannot be untilized to speak out against injustice or to encourage charity and compassion."
Rabbi Fred Scherlinder Dobb makes an interesting point. He says that the tradition of women talking at the well or in other public places was seen to be "silly gossip." He goes on to explain that it may have served a purpose, gossip, for example, could lead to discovering who may need help in the community. He says that venting can be "sacred and cathartic." He concludes by saying that it would be deemed acceptable to speak up about someone who is harming another such as someone who is blatently cheating others or lying (could be dangerous territory in the case of girls who are relationally aggressive, so I wonder how he would weigh in with that one. The girl could very well have lied or cheated and I personally think that because of their age, it wouldn't be appropriate to condone gossip even if they did something wrong. Pre-teen girls are exploring, learning, and making mistakes as opposed to someone older who has done something blatently wrong or harmful to another).
Rabbi Laura Duhan talks about the way that people use gossip for bonding, comparing workplace notes, figuring out who to trust and how to succeed. She feels that all of the above is necessary, but there are ways to do this without gossiping. She says it is important to have more of a spiritual friend, someone that you can express your doubts, concerns and vent your frustrations. This person would not take sides or deepen divisions. Rabbi Gershon Winkler agrees with this notion. He believes taht when you don't talk to someone, hatred will fester and the Torah says not to hate in our hearts. So, if the need arises, you should think very hard about who you should talk to about the situation and how you can convey both sides.
Rabbi Peter H.Schweitzer adds that we need to be courageous and take a stand when we hear someone gossiping.
I think the Rabbi's make some great points and I know, I for one, am going to take them for heart. At work, I do have two people that I talk to when things get rough. They are my confidantes and the line seems pretty clear to me. If I didn't have them, I may bundle up a lot of stress and discomfort. However, we don't gossip and we aren't mean-spirited.
Rabbi Gershon Winkler ends his commentary on gossip with this insightful comment on gossip: "while it is a favorite pastime and a strong human inclination, we need to substitute the urge with other indulgences such as slow-churned ice cream and a good movie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
